I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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