hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
