a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
