Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize