If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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