So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
