Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
