I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
