i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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