you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
