i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
