his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
