Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
