The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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