this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
