remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize