I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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