Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
