Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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