dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
