My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
