More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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