tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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