I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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