just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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