I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
