You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
