we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
