The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
