I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
