my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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