I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
