It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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