He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
