need another drink. this is the easiest way
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
