You really coming over, don't trick.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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