It's like God shit irony all over that family
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
