haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
God, I missed his penis.
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