Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
