I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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