Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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