Old men and throwing up are my life now.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I have tasted many bathrooms
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
