sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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