everyone is single if you try hard enough
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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