im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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