pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
