i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
