nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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