I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
