i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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