guys are not supposed to queef...right?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
