barbara walters just said penis...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
